How the Agents Saved Christmas
by A. Silver Rose
Summary: The actual, honest-to-goodness true story of what happened between the Grinch, the Whos, and the Agents. Rated for mild language. Please R


This started out as a Christmas gift to a friend some years ago. After that, it sat around for a long time, occasionally being read by a select few, until I finally thought of revising it and sending it to the masses.   
  
I don't own either the X-Files or the Grinch's story, and I'm not making any money off of them. I just thought they'd go well crossed with each other. Oh, and there's some adult language, so reader discretion is advised.  
  
Enjoy this little bit of holiday humor!  
  
A.S.R.  
  
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How the Agents Saved Christmas:  
a child's X-Files story  
  
Every Who down in Whoville knows the official tale  
of how the Grinch stole their Christmas, but to no avail.  
But what really happened that Christmas Eve night  
when two FBI agents helped the Grinch see the light?  
  
One's name was Mulder, a tall, handsome lad,  
perceptive and smart, a top Oxford grad.  
He gave his life to finding little green men  
in the hopes of seeing his sister again.  
  
His partner was Scully, a doctor by trade,  
Her job was debunking the theories Fox made.  
Always a skeptic, she never thought  
that she'd get caught up in conspiracy plots.  
  
The case became theirs by the very virtue  
of the charge being made by the Head Honcho Who.  
"Christmas was stolen?!" exclaimed Mulder to Scully.  
"It's another conspiracy, those great big fat bullies!"  
  
His redheaded partner just rolled her eyes.  
"Mulder," she said, "forget all your cries.  
We've got only one suspect, this case is a cinch.  
The culprit is someone the Whos call the Grinch."  
  
With plane tickets in hand, procured by their boss Skinner,  
the agents flew off to Whoville, with no time for dinner.  
"No need to worry," Fox Mulder did quip.  
"I've got sunflower seeds we can eat on the trip."  
  
They were met at the airport by the Head Honcho Who,  
the Honorable Mayor Stu Who, just turned forty-two.  
Scully had to suppress a smile and a giggle,  
for the breeze caused the antennae on Stu Who's head to wiggle.  
  
The Head Honcho Who cried, "Your help we do need!  
We must get the scoundrel who did this foul deed.  
He despises Christmas, that fact is well known,  
but why couldn't he leave our small village alone?"  
  
The agents then promised to do all in their power  
to bring the Grinch in and make Christmas less sour.  
They started by questioning all of the Whos,  
in case someone saw something when others did snooze.  
  
One after another, each story the same,  
all each Who had to say was, "The Grinch is to blame."  
Yet when quizzed if they'd seen him commit the crime,  
each Who answered, "No, for it was past our bedtime."  
  
After speaking to all the Who ladies and gents,  
Scully deduced there was no evidence.  
Now, what happened next? Please take note.  
Agent Scully received a tug on her coat.  
  
She looked down, into the two-year-old-stare  
of a tiny Who girl with pigtails in her hair.  
"I'm Cindy Lou Who," said she, with a tear in her eye.  
"He said he was Santa. Why did he lie?"  
  
This plaintive question made Scully feel sad,  
then all of a sudden, the realization she had!  
Without this small child, the case was a mess,  
for this girl with the pigtails was their only witness!  
  
Scully begged Head Honcho Stu to be quick  
and get her a photo of the phony Saint Nick.  
And while Stu Who set about accomplishing this task,  
Agent Mulder had one tiny favor to ask.  
  
He wanted to know what the child saw and heard:  
Did the Grinch act alone, or by another one's word?  
Cindy Lou Who just shrugged, for without a doubt  
she had no idea what Mulder was talking about.  
  
Another roll of the eyes and a shake of the head,  
Scully knew she had more of Mulder's theories to dread.  
"What is it now?" she demanded with a slight groan.  
"Do you think the Grinch didn't do this on his own?"  
  
"Scully," explained Mulder, "it's impossible, I think,  
for any one person to be such a fink.  
Although the Grinch may have had his own reasons,  
someone told him to do this, to wreck the Whos' Christmas season."  
  
"Mulder," said she, "I doubt you can find  
proof of your theory. You're out of your mind!"  
And before Mulder could exclaim that he was not,  
Scully turned back to questioning the tow-headed tot.  
  
The creature the child saw was dressed all in red,  
but in no other way did it resemble any thing live or dead.  
Cindy Lou talked of a being covered with green fur,  
with big, yellow eyes, like a ravenous cur.  
  
The description sounded to Scully like a prevarication,  
the strangest she'd heard in her career's entire duration.  
That's when the Head Honcho Who did return  
with the photo, whose image made Scully's stomach churn.  
  
The green fur, the yellow eyes, they were all there,  
along with the caution to "Please be aware.  
Do not attempt to apprehend or lynch  
the foul-minded creature who's known as the Grinch."  
  
"This is ridiculous," Agent Scully complained.  
"This man is a lunatic, and should be restrained.  
Though his costume's effective, the green fur and all,  
he's clearly delusional, and needs rubber walls."  
  
Mulder pondered and pondered, and pondered some more,  
'til he thought of something Scully didn't think of before.  
"Hey, Scully," he said, "All that's missing are things from a store.  
You and I and the Whos know Christmas is quite a bit more."  
  
"What are you implying?" asked Scully. "How do you mean  
to wrap up this case, the most bizarre one we've seen?"  
Mulder ignored her and turned to the Head Honcho Who,  
and asked, "Stu, were material things all the Grinch stole from you?"  
  
The Head Honcho Who nodded, and then did proceed  
to explain how the Whos fulfilled their spiritual need.  
They got together around the town's Christmas tree  
and sang and sang until the last lights they did see.  
  
It took just a second for Mulder to come up with a trick  
to trap the green creature posing as the Whos' false Saint Nick.  
He instructed Stu Who to call a Who town meeting  
and tell all his people to go ahead and do their Who sing.  
  
Scully was doubtful, as was her usual reply,  
but Stu Who said, "It might work. Let's give it a try."  
And he called all the other Whos to the town square  
and told them to sing their hearts out right there.  
  
He even invited the agents to join in the fun,  
but Mulder said he and Scully had to run.  
It was Christmas, after all, and who wanted to steal  
the holiday from a creature who had to be real?  
  
Argued Scully, "Mulder, the so-called Grinch is a ploy,  
just a man in a green suit, stealing the Whos' Christmas toys.  
We have to arrest him for his felonious deed.  
You know I'm right, Mulder. For once pay me heed."  
  
Mulder paid no attention to Scully's rants  
and dragged her away from the Whos' Christmas cants.  
Then it was back to D.C. to file their report  
and all of the paperwork of that same sort.  
  
Later that night, the Grinch, living up on Mount Crumpet,  
thought back on the day he wouldn't forget,  
when he did the only right thing to do,  
and gave all those Christmas things back to the Whos.  
  
He said to his dog, "Max, I was terribly wrong.  
Christmas is good, and has been all along.  
From now on we'll celebrate it every year,  
first down in Whoville, then back up here."  
  
"Are you sure that's what you want to do?"  
The question startled the Grinch, and he turned to see who  
had come up to see him all the way up on Mount Crumpet,  
recognized him, and offered a light for the man's cigarette.  
  
The man puffed once or twice, and then said, "Mister Grinch,  
you've failed us. Our plan was supposed to be a cinch.  
You were to steal Christmas from those gullible Whos,  
and give Mulder and Scully their worst Christmas blues."  
  
The Grinch thought a moment, then replied, "You federal twit.  
Your plan was a joke. It was full of shit!  
People will talk of how evil I was, on the whole,  
but you are the one with garlic in your soul."  
  
And so we will draw our story to a close.  
Once again the agents defeated their most notorious foe,  
and saved Christmas for the Whos, far and near,  
and their neighbor the Grinch, who the Whos now hold dear.  
  
Before I go, I have but one thing to say  
about what actually came to pass on that Christmas Day.  
Let this be a lesson to Whos everywhere:  
Trust in no one, for the truth is out there. 


End file.
